


The Incredible Kayaking Expedition

by TheSoulGiver



Series: Recreational Avengers [2]
Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Kayaking, Recreational Avengers, no real pairings but hints of clintasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-11
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2017-12-26 06:29:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/962691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSoulGiver/pseuds/TheSoulGiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers are ready for another fun day of recreation, and not much can be more enjoyable and team-building then an afternoon of kayaking...or so they thought. Things get a bit mixed up when Clint becomes fascinated with the avian wildlife and the group decides to specifically not invite Loki this time. Takes place after The Great Laser Tag Adventure, but can be read separately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_THUMP_

_SNAP_

_BANG_

_THUMP_

_THUMP_

_CRASH_

"Okay, do I even want to know?" asked Steve, who had his face buried in his hands, refusing to look out of the windows at the damage.

"Well, it doesn't look like anything's broken," remarked Bruce, who was peering out of the back windows of the sports car at the scattered multicolored kayaks littering the small dirt clearing that constituted as a parking lot.

"Good," said Steve, dropping his hands.  "Because if my kayak was broken, then I would have to take Tony's.  And his is probably all hi-tech or something."

"Why would you take mine?!" cried Tony from the driver's seat, taking off his sunglasses to glare at Steve.

"Because you're the one who fishtailed into the parking lot and dumped all of our kayaking equipment onto the ground!" retorted Steve.

"And also the person who insisted on taking the sports car, which meant we had to attach them with bungee cords and duct tape," added Bruce.  "At least Clint took his van, however unsafe a vehicle it may be otherwise."

"Well, maybe you should have ridden with _Clint_ , then," snarled Tony.

"You're kidding, right?  I mean, you're a bad driver, but riding in the backseat of Clint's vehicle is practically a death wish."

"What do you mean, _bad driver_?" asked Tony.  "Have you ever gotten in one car crash with me?  Ever?"

"He means that while you mostly manage to keep the car right-side up and its inhabitants mainly unharmed, this may be due more to the fancy infrastructure of the car itself and less to do with your attention to traffic signs and regulations."

"Yeah, well, I practically paid for those traffic signs with my donations to the city, so I think I'm exempt from these rules."

"Yeah, I think not," said Steve as he pushed the door open and stepped out of the car.  It was a perfect day in the middle of the morning - sunny with a cool breeze - leaving the group to vaguely wonder how they were going to manage to ruin it.

A strange thudding noise sounded from up the road, breaking through the calm setting and growing gradually louder.

"And here comes Clint," muttered Steve.

Clint's van screeched into the tree-lined clearing bordering the river a few moments later, throwing up clouds of dust and sending a couple of startled squirrels running for safety deeper into the forest.  Loud rap music could be heard much too clearly through the open windows as the car finally stopped, sitting at a haphazard angle and its passengers climbed out.

"And _that_ is why I was riding with Tony," remarked Bruce.

Clint was still sitting in the driver's seat, nodding his head with the strong beat and dancing slightly to the "music."  Natasha walked over to his side of the car and wordlessly opened the door and pulled the keys out of the ignition, immediately stemming the flow of rapid and somewhat obscene language.  Clint rolled his eyes but obligingly followed Tasha out of the car and over to the rest of the group.

Thor stumbled away from the car and over to some bushes, doubling over as he upended his quite large breakfast into the foliage.  Bruce and Steve looked on sympathetically.

"Okay, come on, let's get this stuff unpacked," Tony said impatiently.  "I've got a date with Pepper later and I am not going to miss it because you guys were being useless and Clint made Thor sick."

Thor staggered away from the bushes, a huge smile on his bearded face.

"That was immensely enjoyable!" Thor declared, beaming with his fists in the air.  "Clint, may we ride once more?"

"No," Steve interjected as Clint began to move towards the van door.  "No, Clint, we don't need you to make Thor sick again or risk you running the van into a tree.  Sorry, Thor."

Thor looked disappointed, but recovered quickly as he saw Steve and Bruce grabbing the boats from where they had tumbled off the top of Tony's car.

"Oh!  Allow me to assist!"  he yelled, running over and immediately scooping up three of the kayaks, somehow managing to balance them on his huge shoulders as he made his way down to the dock.  The rest of them followed suit, gathering up various supplies from their vehicles and piling them up on the wooden dock.

Clint was the one in charge of packing snacks.

“Ooh, what’ve we got for food?” Peter asked, sitting down cross-legged on the dock next to the various bags of supplies.  He unzipped the top of the cooler bag and peeked inside excitedly, before his eyebrows crinkled in confusion.

“What is it, kid?” Steve asked amiably, setting down the two kayaks he had balanced on his shoulders that he had carried over from the car.

“Well…as far as I can tell, it’s white bread.  A lot of sliced white bread.”

Tony threw up his hands, dropping his bag in the process.

“Seriously, Clint?”

"What," said Clint simply, who was sitting on top of one of the kayaks at the edge of the dock and had simply given up on pretending to look busy.

"I leave you in charge of packing snacks, and you give us _bread._ "

Clint opened his mouth to reply, but Tony interrupted him.

 _"Bread_ is not a snack.  _Bread_ is the vital component of a sandwich, or a delicious side to a dish of pasta, but it is not a _snack._ "

"What did you want me to do?" asked Clint, sounding thoroughly bored.

"Well, I didn't expect your job to be so difficult, considering the kitchen full of junk food on the third floor," retorted Tony, throwing his bag of bread back into the cooler.

"What are you doing?  Aren't you gonna take that with you?" Clint called as Tony started walking to the other end of the dock.

"Why the hell would I want to take that with me?" Tony asked, not waiting for a reply as he went to help Tasha carry over the last kayak.

"Because it's delicious!" Clint yelled after him.  "No, not you, too..." Clint groaned as Peter dropped his loaf of bread back into the cooler bag as well.

"Sorry, bro," Peter said, smiling sadly and shrugging before he turned and walked away after Tony.

A few minutes later, there were a row of variously colored kayaks lined up on the edge of the dock, and Steve was just coming back from having locked up the cars.

"Are we assembled for takeoff?" Steve asked the group excitedly, clapping his hands and looking around at the rest of them.

He was met with five blank stares (Thor was enthusiastically cloud-watching).

Steve sighed.

"Are we ready to go?"

Comprehension dawned on the group's faces and they all nodded happily.  Today was going to be fun.  I mean, how dangerous can kayaking be?  Especially when they specifically didn't invite Loki this time.


	2. Chapter 2

Even though they had managed to get all of the equipment out to the dock, it was still another twenty minutes before all of their boats were sorted to the right people and they were all settled into the water.

Clint was strangely fascinated with the wildlife of the river.

“Look!  A mallard!” he yelled as they were climbing into their canoes, nearly knocking Tony into the river as he flourished his arm to point.

Bruce seemed anxious with even such an activity as simple as kayaking – he was afraid of becoming involved with some sort of competition or conflict, probably having to do with Tony or Clint.  This was understandable.

What the others failed to understand was why Bruce felt the need to follow along behind them in a paddleboat.  Bruce was all set with his novel, sunscreen, and picnic basket sitting on the empty seat beside him, prepared for a “relaxing day on the river.”

Tony’s kayak was made of some sort of lightweight metal, with the same red and gold pattern as on his iron suit.  With a simple verbal command, the kayak would automatically glide forward through the water.  It seemed as though the shining oar was only for decoration.

“Come on, Tony, that’s cheating,” Steve whined, regarding the hi-tech “kayak” with disapproval.

“Steve, this is recreational kayaking,” Tony said.  “How exactly do you _cheat?_ ”

“Oh, I don’t know,” replied Steve.  “It’s just getting a bit irritating how you feel like you need to win at everything.”

“Well, I _do_ win at everything,” Tony said smugly.

“Except laser tag,” coughed Natasha from behind him.

“And yellow car,” added Clint.

“Shut it, both of you,” Tony growled at them.  “This thing is armed, you know.  Wait, Steve…did you bring your _shield_ with you?”

Steve’s shield was strapped to the back of his kayak.  He glared defensively at Tony.

“Yes.”

Kayaking was yet another one of these modern activities that Steve had not yet tried, and that the rest of the group thought would be fun.  Considering that the main skills required for the sport were muscle strength and coordination, they all thought that Steve would be pretty good at it.

They thought wrong.

“Am I doing this right?” Steve asked Tasha, who was paddling smoothly and effortlessly across the surface of the water.  Every time Steve would paddle on one side of his kayak, his boat would rocket forward a few feet and turn a ninety degree angle because of his vast strength.

“For the most part,” Natasha replied, watching Steve struggle with an amused expression on her face.  “Try holding the paddle with more of a relaxed grip…Oh.”

Steve had tried Natasha’s advice, and somehow managed to drop his paddle into the water.  Luckily, it floated, but was quickly pulled downstream ahead of Steve.

Tasha glanced over at Steve, amused.

“You want me to grab that for you, Cap?” she asked, fighting a grin.  Steve sighed heavily.

“No, I’ve got it.”  Steve grabbed his shield from the back of his kayak and began paddling with it.  However, since Steve was still not completely used to his newfound strength as a super soldier, and since his shield was so large, he mostly ended up spinning in alternating circles as he attempted to propel himself downstream, where his paddle was no longer even visible.

When Tony wasn’t looking, Peter had connected his kayak to the back of Tony’s with a couple of carefully placed web strands, which were nearly invisible, even with the glare from the sun.  This allowed him to recline comfortably with his sunglasses over his eyes, in a position eerily similar to that of Tony’s.

A large flock of ducks were floating lazily upstream towards the group.

“Look!  Mallards!” Clint cried, the excitement looking very strange on his usually stoic face.

“They don’t look very happy,” Steve commented.  He was right; the birds seemed to be growing restless, ruffling their feathers and twitching their beaks in irritation.  Their eyes looked a little funny, too…

Without any further ado, Clint paddled forward until he brought his boat gently amid the flock of ducks.

“Shh…it’s okay…” he murmured, stroking a couple of their heads with his fingertips.  They seemed to calm at once, bobbing on the rippling surface of the river and raising their heads to look at the archer with what Steve would have sworn was fondness and familiarity.

To their disbelief, Clint scooped up one of the mallards, cradling it in his palms.

“Isn’t he precious?” he cooed.  Nobody answered.

“Where’d Tasha go?” Tony asked, frowning and glancing around at the group.

“Yes?” came a smooth voice from right behind Tony, who jumped and yelped, nearly overturning his kayak.

“Jesus, Nat, how the hell did you do that?!”

“Do what?” she replied nonchalantly, a smirk playing at her lips.

“Between you and Peter, I’m going to die of a sudden heart attack, I swear…” Tony grumbled.  “Why can’t people just warn you when they’re going to suddenly pop up behind you, or drop down from ceilings?  Isn’t that just normal etiquette?”

“Just because you’re too self-absorbed to notice anything else around you…”

                "What did we bring for sustenance?" asked Thor loudly, nearly smashing Clint in the head with a powerful brandishing of his paddle and causing the birds to flutter away in annoyance.

"We don't have any food, Thor," replied Tony wearily, which seemed to upset the god.

"WHAT?" he cried in indignation, nearly upsetting the small kayak that he barely fit in anyway.  "YOU MIDGARDIANS EXPECT ME TO EMBARK ON A LONG AND GRUELING JOURNEY WITHOUT ANY NOURISHMENT?"

"Thor, we - " Natasha tried to speak, but Thor's voice thundered over her.

"IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU PEASANT HUMANS HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT I AM NOT OF YOUR DESCENT?  I AM OF A NOBLER RACE THAN YOU!  I AM THE SON OF ODIN!  I AM THE KING OF ASGARD!  I - "

"Thor, TRUST me, we have _not_ forgotten," Natasha said desperately.

"Who are you calling a peasant?" Tony grumbled.

"Then how do you account for this astonishing and rather offensive lack of food?" Thor asked, his voice back down to its normal speaking level, which was still rather thunderous.

"Clint was in charge of snacks, and he basically packed us a crate full of Wonder bread," Tony explained, scowling at Clint.

"What is this wondrous bread of which you speak?" the god inquired.

"We left it back on the dock, Thor.  It's basically worthless.  Sugar and empty calories without filling you up in the slightest," said Peter, shrugging.

Thor turned on Clint now.

"CLINT, DID YOU BELIVE THAT THIS WONDROUS BREAD THEY SPEAK OF, WHICH DOES NOT IN FACT SOUND VERY WONDROUS, WOULD BE SUFFICIENT FOR A BEING SUCH AS ME - "

"Yeah, yeah, Thor, we get it," said Clint quickly.

"Anyway, Clint, didn't you at least bring _your_ loaves?" asked Natasha, frowning at him.

"Yeah.  They're gone now."

"You ate all three loaves.  Already."

"No, actually, I didn't get any!" Clint retorted.  "They looked hungry, so I gave it all to them."

"Who's... _them?_ " Natasha asked cautiously, as if she weren't sure if she actually wanted to know the answer.

                Clint nodded his head to the right, and the rest of the group followed the gesture to see to whom he was referring.  There were a few ducks in the shade by the side of the river, if that's what he meant...

Steve and Peter glanced at Natasha curiously, but she could only shrug, biting her lip.

Everything the Avengers had thought they knew about Clint Barton was quickly being redefined.


	3. Chapter 3

“RACE TO THAT RED COTTAGE!” Tony hollered, pointing downstream about a mile to where they could barely make out the red of the side of a small house from behind the trees.  “…GO!”

Tony took off immediately, the simple flick of a switch on the side of his kayak driving him forward with a sudden burst of speed.  This left Peter to clutch onto the sides of his kayak (which was still tethered to the back of Tony's with the web strands) for dear life, quickly jerking him out of what was previously a peaceful doze.

“Hey!  That is unjust!” Thor yelled after Tony, swinging his hammer in large circles over his head and pointing it straight out in front of him, which propelled his own kayak forward at what seemed to be an even faster rate than Tony’s.

When there was no more immediate movement or shouting, Natasha turned around in alarm.

“Clint?  Aren’t you going to race?  So you can beat Tony's ass into the ground again?”

Clint was sitting in his kayak a few feet back, which was now entirely surrounded by mallard ducks.

“What?” he asked distractedly, reaching out a hand to stroke the feathers of one of the ducks.  “No, I’m fine, thanks for asking…”  Clint smiled blissfully as the birds fluttered around him, one even coming up to land on his shoulder.

Natasha's suspicion was quickly turning into worry.  Clint _never_ passed up an opportunity to beat Tony's ass into the ground.

Steve, to say the least, was frightened.

“Erm…Tasha?  Is he alright?” he muttered to Tasha, watching Clint spreading his arms out to either side of him to allow more birds to land on his arms as he turned his face up towards the sky, beaming all the while.

For once, Natasha’s cool and decisive demeanor seemed to falter a bit.

“…I don’t know,” she finally replied softly, watching Clint with wide eyes.  “I’ve never seen it this bad before…Usually, it just wears off after a while, but now it just seems to be escalating…”

“Well, if he tries to tape paper wings to his arms and jump off of a ledge so he can fly, I draw the line,” Steve said grimly, sighing.

“No, I think he learned his lesson last time he tried that,” Natasha commented, watching Clint sadly.  Steve stared at her for a moment, trying to work out if she was serious or not.

                “Where should we go next?” Clint asked.

Relieved that Clint didn’t seem to be so deeply in bird-mode anymore, Tasha answered, smiling.

“Oh, I was just thinking that we would follow the main river, with the shade from the trees – “

“Oh, sorry,” Clint interrupted her, after glancing at her with a bemused expression.  “I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Then who were you – “ Natasha stopped talking, watching as Clint turned back to his flock of mallards and began murmuring to them.  “You have _got_ to be kidding me.”

 “Everyone!  Look!  It’s a great blue heron!” Clint cried, pointing at large bird standing primly at the edge of the river about ten yards away.  “It’s so _majestic…_ ”

Clint was staring at the bird in open-mouthed awe, but everybody else was incredibly disinterested.  The bird gave its harsh croak, dipping its beak into the water then looking around.

“I think he wants us to follow him!” Clint yelled, waving his arm over his head.  “Come on!”

Clint began paddling after the great blue heron, unaware that no one was following him.  The bird was moving solemnly to the left into a narrow deviation from the main river, the path thickly shrouded by trees and wildlife.

"Where are you taking me, buddy?" Clint cooed, following the large bird as it waded placidly through the calm waters.

The nature in this part of the river was beautiful, the green-leaved trees creating a canopy over the narrow stream of water that ran slowly and clearly across the rocks and sand underneath.  Clint followed the heron past the occasional cottage, past small natural flowerbeds on the side of the river and small turtles flitting about near the surface.  Narrow beams of sunlight were filtered through the cover of leaves, illuminating various bits of nature -  a moss-covered rock poking out of the water, a brilliantly violet flower at the riverbank, a small break in the rocks to his left...

The heron stopped, giving its harsh croak once again and dipping its beak into the water in the direction of the rocks, where Clint could make out gap that was partially hidden by the brush.

Clint stopped paddling and drifted closer to the gap, noticing that it created what seemed to be a passage to a small cave.

"Is this where you were leading me?" Clint asked, and the bird blinked at him.  Somehow Clint translated this as a _yes_ , and slipped out of his boat and into the water.  It was warm and about chest-deep in this area.

"Thank you, friend," said Clint, reaching out to pat the heron's beak.  The heron croaked once more, then began to wade away through the shallower water near the riverbed.

Clint swam through the hole in the rocks, coming out into a small opening, the top covered in earth except for a small gap where sunlight streamed in so he could see.  At first, it looked as though there was nothing of importance here, but then Clint glimpsed something shiny on a large flat rock in a darker corner of the cave.   He walked over through the water, reaching out a dripping hand until he felt something soft and heavy, like expensive fabric.  He clutched at it, drawing his hand back and discovering that he was holding a large, jade green piece of cloth.  A gold broach at one end must have been the shining he had seen.

Where had Clint seen this before?  It looked so familiar.  It was a cloak, that much he was certain of.  But... _oh._   It was indeed a cloak, an expensive royal one at that.  An Asgardian cloak.

The Asgardian cloak, paired with the bottle of expensive strong-hold extra-shine hairspray Clint had just found sitting on the rock, could only point to one person.

The Avengers had a little visitor on their outing today.


	4. Chapter 4

Clint's absence from the group had gone generally unnoticed.

That is, until the mallards attacked.

“Where the hell is Clint?!” Steve cried wildly.  “He’s not here to soothe the birds!”

The Avengers had been paddling calmly down the river (except for Bruce, who was pedaling leisurely a few yards behind them), enjoying the sun on their face and the gentle wildlife.  However, it quickly became very difficult to enjoy the wildlife when a large flock of vicious mallard ducks descended upon the heroes.

"YOUR AVIARY INHABITANTS OF MIDGARD ARE NOT THE PEACEFUL BEINGS THAT CLINT HAS CONVINCED ME OF," cried Thor, waving his hands around his head in an attempt to dispel some of the birds.

“Their eyes have gone all funny…” Tasha muttered, staring wide-eyed at one as it zoomed dangerously past her face.  The unnatural light blue colour brought back a memory: Clint, being controlled by a powerful and malicious force, killing in the name of someone else, his eyes matching that same blue…

“Oh, _damn_ it,” Tasha said, running a hand through her curls.  “Why the hell is _he_ here?!”

“Is _who_ here?!” Tony cried, waving his paddle wildly in the air over his head in a pathetic attempt to fend off the offending birds.

“Who do you _think_?!” Tasha shrieked, ducking as a bird swooped at her head.  “Your stupid brother, Thor, that’s who!”

“I HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF LOKI’S PLANS FOR DESTRUCTION, AGENT ROMANOFF, OR ELSE I WOULD HAVE IMPEDED HIS ATTEMPTS AT ONCE!” Thor roared, swinging his hammer around his head to create a small sort of tornado, which swept up the river and carried many of the ducks away with it.  Unfortunately, it also caught the tail end of Steve’s kayak, which sent him spinning helplessly off towards the side of the river, unable to stop himself and just barely hanging on to the sides of his kayak.

                Tony reclined in his kayak until he was lying flat on his back, and the kayak immediately began shifting and forming itself around Tony’s body.  In a matter of seconds, he was clad in his iron suit, which had been disguised as his "hi-tech kayak" that whole afternoon.  He shot up into the air, taking a sleeping Peter by surprise.  Tony was unaware that Peter’s kayak was still attached to the back of his own – which now meant that the sticky web was fastened to one calf of his iron suit.  When Tony took flight, Peter’s kayak was pulled sharply upwards, throwing the previously sleeping teenager backwards into the air, and subsequently, straight into the river.

“Damn it, Peter!” Tony cried, wavering dangerously in midair above the river with Peter’s kayak dangling from one leg by a thin but very strong piece of web.  His perfectly calibrated suit was not accustomed to supporting this extra attachment.  With a quick shot from his blue hand laser, the web was severed.  The kayak fell down to the river, splashing an already choking and spluttering Peter whose dripping head had just emerged from the water.

"Tony!  What are you doing?!" Natasha yelled, ducking as a bird shot straight at her head.

"Self defense, that's what!" replied Tony, shooting a beam out of his palm at one of the birds, who dodged the attack, squawking loudly.

"You can't kill them, Tony!" yelled Steve from where he was still stuck in the brushes at the edge of the river.

"Why not?!" he yelled back, throwing himself to the side to avoid three of the birds who rocketed themselves at him, nearly throwing himself sideways into the water.  "They're obviously trying to kill me!"

"But they're innocent!" Steve yelled back, waving his arms over his head.  "It's not their fault they're possessed!"

"THEY.  ARE.  BIRDS.  STEVE."

But Tony did refrain from trying to slaughter the mallards from then on, even when one dropped an unwelcome gift onto his helmet.

"Wait!  I have an idea!" Natasha yelled through the flurry of feathers and honking that surrounded the group.

"What?!" called Tony, Peter, and Thor, who were still fending off the random attacks as well as they could.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" she screamed.

"Well, what is it?!" asked Tony impatiently.

"We feed them!"

"No offense, Tasha, but I'm not being the human sacrifice!" said Peter, who had managed to pull his kayak right-side up and had clambered into it.  He was now shooting bits of web at the closest birds, whose beaks were caught together and wings trapped at their sides, plopping ungracefully to the surface of the water where they bobbed there uselessly.

"Not us, just some bread or something!" replied Natasha.

"Well, Natasha, in case you missed this conversation earlier, we don't have any bread!" Tony yelled.

"Bruce has some crackers!" Peter yelled suddenly, and the rest of their heads all swiveled around to glance at Bruce the best they could through the thick cover of birds, who was sitting in his paddleboat a bit farther upstream, reading his book and pointedly ignoring the chaos that had befallen the group.

Tony was already flying up to face Bruce in his paddleboat.

                “Bruce!  We need your crackers!”

Bruce glanced up from his book, frowning from behind his dark sunglasses.

“What?!  No!  This is my afternoon snack!”

Tony was quickly losing patience.

“BRUCE, WE ARE BEING ATTACKED BY CRAZY POSSESSED DUCKS SO I WOULD GREATLY ADVISE THAT YOU _GIVE US YOUR CRACKERS_."

"Didn't Clint pack food for you guys?" Bruce asked, scratching the side of his head, seemingly oblivious to Tony's frustration.

"Yeah, well, it was lame and nobody wanted it," replied Tony.

"...And?"

"...And we left it on the dock."

"What was it?"

"Bruce!  Just give us the food already!"

Bruce didn't reply, but simply looked at Tony with a raised eyebrow, who finally sighed and gave in, rolling his eyes behind his helmet.

"...It was white bread.  A whole load of white bread.  Are you happy?"

Bruce smirked.

"Well, not really."  He picked up the packet of crackers and tossed them up to Tony, who caught them neatly.  "Go crazy."

Tony was a bit unsure of what to do at this point, so he flew back closer to where Natasha, Peter, and Thor were still facing the onslaught of birds, and began throwing crackers.  To his surprise, several of the birds seemed to be distracted by this offering and paddled over to the floating crackers, happily munching on them.

"Hey!  There's more where that came from!" called Tony loudly, waving the open package over his head.  This managed to gain the attention of most of the birds, who all turned to look at Tony with their eerie eyes, which were quickly losing the odd blue glow, and Tony gulped.

"Oh no."

The whole flock of birds flew straight at him, and Tony turned and flew away up the river, tossing crackers back over his shoulder to appease the ducks.

Back at the battleground, there was one solitary mallard left, whose head was swiveling from side to side, trying to find out where his comrades had gone.

"All ducks like crackers..." started Natasha slowly, then her eyes widened.  "Catch that duck!  He's an imposter!"

Thor grabbed for the duck, who jumped in alarm and began paddling frantically away, flapping its wings until it began to rise from the water away from them.

Suddenly, the solitary mallard dropped back into the water, surprised and struggling against nearly invisible bonds.  Peter leaned back smugly in his boat, fingers twiddling with the web shooters affixed to his wrists.

Natasha sent him an approving smile, as Thor paddled over to the prisoner bird and scooped it up, examining its beaked face.  It had astonishingly blue eyes, but not the unearthly blue of the possessed ducks.  These looked like the eyes of a person, of...

"This is no Earth bird!" Thor declared, scowling at the duck.

"What do you mean, Thor?" Natasha asked, frowning.

"I mean," began the god, "that, unless I am very much mistaken, this bird is in fact my brother, Loki!"


	5. Chapter 5

The other two barely had time to be surprised before the bird in Thor's hand shifted, shimmering, then suddenly transformed into a tall, green and gold clad man, who immediately splashed into the river between Natasha and Thor's kayaks.  The man tried to doggy-paddle away from them, but Thor scooped him up by the collar to look him in the eye.

"Brother, why have you attempted this foolish act?!" Thor cried, shaking Loki by the collar, his legs dangling over the water.

"Let.  Me.  Go." snarled Loki venomously, his eyes flashing and face livid.

Peter was watching this, his eyes wide.

"Hi Loki!" he called to their prisoner, who tried glancing around Thor's large shoulders, completely baffled.

"Should we let him explain?" asked Natasha dully, glowering at Loki with her arms crossed.

"Let us wait until the others of our group return," proposed Thor.

Tony flew back several moments later, his formerly impeccable suit now covered in bird feathers and droppings.  He stopped dead in midair as he stared at Loki, who was still being dangled over the river by his brother.

"I _knew_ it, why would I expect anything else..." Tony muttered to himself, throwing in some choice swear words as he flew down to the surface of the water, pressing a button on his suit, which unfolded from around him and returned to its kayak shape, Tony sitting comfortably on the seat once again.

Peter secured Loki’s hands behind him and covered his mouth using a bit of web, and they all hauled the frost giant into the empty seat in Bruce’s paddleboat.

Bruce grumbled weakly in protest, but Tony just shrugged.

"We thought it would be safest if we all had our own boat.  It's your own fault you're the only one who brought a two-seater."

Relative peace had descended on the river once again, the only evidence of the previous battle being the feathers floating on the water and an sulking Frost Giant sitting in the paddleboat.

The group heard a shout from behind them, and all of their heads swiveled around to look.  It was Clint, waving his paddle over his head and still grinning in that uncharacteristic manner.

"Friends!" he was yelling.  "The great blue heron led me to a secret cavern where I found this!"  Clint lifted the jade cloak over his head to show them.  "So I think we'd better keep our eye out for Loki, because - "

Everybody turned away, nobody in the mood for this version of Clint right now.

"Is he going to be like this forever?" Peter asked curiously, but Natasha shook her head.

"He should be fine after a few cups of coffee."

"Everybody!  I've done it!" yelled Steve, who was emerging from the brush at the riverbed, having managed to untangle himself from most of it because he was too good-neighborly to simply chop through it with his shield.  He was now concentrating very hard, managing a slow, wobbly approach towards them, scooping through the water with his shield.  "I'm almost there!  I'm coming to help fight!  I'm - oh."

Steve had finally glanced up to see everybody else watching him with amused expressions, the area completely devoid of vicious mallards.

"Really, Cap, great effort!" Tony called over, clapping his hands.   Thor joined in the applause, not realizing that Tony was mocking Steve.  Steve rolled his eyes as he reached them, smiling nonetheless.

Steve's gaze fell on Loki, who was still stubbornly refusing to speak, and his eyebrows raised.

"Um...I thought the point of today was that we _weren't_ inviting Loki?  So we could actually have _fun_?"

"Of course we didn't invite him," scowled Thor.  "I had already given my dear brother an ill-deserved second chance, and he used it to attempt to defeat us once more in the glowing battlegrounds of the laser wars."

"And that was mostly Tony's fault, anyway," remarked Steve.

" _Mostly_?  I wouldn't say _mostly_..." said Tony, not meeting anybody's eye.

"I mean, apart from Loki's psychopathic tendencies, I'd say you were the main contributor to the bloody outcome," said Bruce sensibly, shrugging.

"And let's be completely honest, he managed to ruin that infamous bowling night, and Loki wasn't even involved in that," said Steve.

"I thought we agreed to never mention that again!" hissed Tony.

“Anyway, how did Loki even find out we were going today?  And even if we knew, how did he know when and where to look?!” Tasha cried.  “Peter, you didn’t tell him something, did you?”

“How could I?” Peter scowled.  “You guys won’t even let me have his number.  I haven’t seen him since we went laser-tagging.”

“Right, and I told everyone specifically not to invite Loki,” Steve added.  “Unless someone took that to mean…”

“Tony, you _didn’t_ ,” Natasha said, glaring dangerously at Tony.

“What did Tony do?” Peter asked uneasily.

“Hopefully, for his sake, nothing,” Tasha replied.  “So he better not tell me that when Steve told Tony not to invite Loki, that he took that to mean that he should _call_ him and _specifically_ tell him he’s not invited.”

“Well, come on,” Tony protested, a fake winning grin plastered on his face.  “Steve _did_ say specifically…”

“You absolute _moron!”_ Tasha shrieked.

“So, you’re telling me, that if it weren’t for Stark, then I could have had a nice, relaxing day on the river?” Bruce asked, obviously irritated now.

“You can’t blame me for the fact that Thor’s got a psychopath for a brother!” Tony cried, growing frantic.

“And I cannot accept fault for the fact that father chose to adopt him!” Thor roared back, glaring alternately at Tony and Loki.

“You know what?  Maybe I’ll just kick both of your asses, and then we’ll work out whose fault it is,” Natasha snarled.

“Or _maybe_ , we could all just relax, and not kick each other’s asses, and just work this all out civilly over some chocolate cake when we get home,” Steve suggested desperately.  “Come on!”  Steve grabbed his shield and attempted to turn his kayak around and begin paddling back to the car, but only ended up spinning his boat in a tight circle.

“You know, I bet we probably should just work this out later,” Bruce said with slight reluctance, still scowling darkly.  “Tony doesn’t get any cake, though.”

“Like hell I don’t,” Tony muttered.

“So, what do you say, Tasha?” Bruce asked Natasha, who still looked as though she were fully prepared to rip of Tony’s head and mount it above her mantelpiece.

“Fine,” she finally said, glowering fiercely at Tony before she picked up her paddle and turned to row back to the car.  At that moment, however, Steve had attempted a slightly overzealous move with his shield as he attempted once again to get his kayak facing the right direction, which consequently sprayed Natasha with a wall of water.

She, of course, took this as a joint insult from both Tony and Loki.

And Natasha Romanoff is not one to take insults kindly.


	6. Chapter 6

The Avengers were scattered around one of Tony's massive kitchens, three cake boxes open on the counter.  They were all enjoying the delicious chocolate cake, as promised, except for Loki, who sat in the corner with a box of Kleenex, pressing tissues to his bleeding nose.

Tony was sitting at the glass table, shoveling chocolate cake into his mouth.  He had a black eye, but this was not in fact a result of Natasha's rage.  It turns out that the little issue with Loki had made their kayaking trip take much longer than they had expected, meaning that they had arrived home quite late that evening.  Meaning that Tony missed his date with Pepper.  Meaning that Pepper was angry.  Really _quite_ angry, it turns out.

Clint sat at the end of the table, slightly set apart from everybody else, nursing a large mug of coffee and running a hand through his hair, eyes wide and bloodshot.  He hadn't spoken since the car ride home, where Natasha had driven instead of Clint.

"We gonna let him explain yet?" asked Natasha through a mouthful of cake.

"Oh, I dunno, the environment this creates is actually quite nice," replied Tony.  They had sent Loki to the corner upon their arrival and forbid him to speak, Thor's hammer close on hand in case he deviated from this arrangement.

"Well, once we hear his pathetic excuses, then we can send him back to space and figure out how we can make sure he doesn't escape again."  Tasha shrugged, wiping her mouth with a napkin.  "Thor, thoughts?"

"I agree with Agent Romanoff," Thor declared, turning to face Loki.  Something changed in the god's expression as he regarded his adopted brother, something almost sad.

"Why have you done this, Loki?  Why have you betrayed us so?"

"So I'm allowed to speak now, am I?" Loki replied, eyebrow arching on his pale face, and Tony pointed his crumb-covered fork at him.

"Hey, none of your Jotunheim-ian sass here."

"Tony is right," Thor said, sighing.  "Brother, please just explain to us why you did these things."

"You're not my - " Loki began, but everybody in the room groaned and rolled their eyes.  Except for Clint, who was staring deeply into his coffee mug, seemingly removed from the world.

"Not that again," Natasha groaned.  "Yeah, okay, we get it, you're adopted, Thor's not your real brother, boo-hoo.  Now just get on with it."

Loki took a good moment to glare at her before he began to speak.

"Yesterday, I received a call from Tony Stark telling me of your plans for a fun day of recreational activity," began Loki, scowling in Tony's direction.  "He made a point of emphasizing that I was not invited."

"...Which somehow made you think you were invited?" Tony asked skeptically, but Steve shushed him.

"I just wanted to be included!" yelled Loki suddenly, and everybody in the room jumped and started at him, even Clint this time.  Loki's gaze dropped to the floor and his voice lowered.

"Nobody ever includes me in anything.  It's been that way my whole life.  But especially since I made that one little mistake, I am excluded by everyone in Asgard, in Jotunheim, in Midgard..."

"Well, to be fair, it was more than _one_ little mistake," remarked Peter sympathetically, and Loki seemed unsure whether to be annoyed or grateful for that comment.

"Anyway," Loki continued, "since you fools chose not to invite me on your expedition today, you had no right to enjoy your afternoon.  Not while I was locked in the dungeons of Asgard."

Loki's little speech ended on an almost (but not quite) heart wrenching note, but the Avengers had to admit that he looked a bit pathetic and miserable, slumped in the corner like that.

"Well, we've still got some questions for you," said Steve, not unkindly.  "So, how exactly did you get out of the Asgardian palace if you were locked up there?"

"I escaped," said Loki simply, and they looked at him, waiting for a bit of elaboration.  The elaboration didn't come.

They sat in strained silence for a few moments before Natasha broke in with "But why _birds?"_

Loki seemed to think this was a strange question.

"Birds, especially the mallard, are bountiful, reliable, clean, responsible..." he said, ticking these traits off on his fingers.

"Okay, never mind.  Forget I asked," Natasha said, shaking her head.

"Well, at least we've all learned a very important lesson today," said Steve, and everybody spoke at once.

"Tony shouldn't be allowed to have a cell phone," said Tasha.

"Asgard is in need of more improved security," suggested Thor.

"Loki isn't evil, he's just misunderstood!" said Peter.

"Mallards are not as reliable as my research suggests," said Loki.

"I'm the best kayak racer in the Avengers," said Tony smugly.

"Tony Stark is a liar and a fool," retorted Thor.

"Tony and Loki are both little bitches," said Natasha.

"Apparently everybody enjoys ganging up on me," said Tony.

"I think Loki just needs a friend!" said Peter.

"I think Tony needs to _shut up_ ," snarled Natasha, glaring at Tony.

"I am not the man I thought I was," said Clint dully, his forehead resting on the cool surface of the table.

"I think we all need to calm down," said Steve with a worried expression, standing up.

"I think Tasha's the one who needs to calm down," said Tony.

"Nobody cares what you think!" snapped Natasha.

"I think I'm going to go bring some cake to Pepper," said Bruce, hurriedly standing up, grabbing a plate of cake and going through the door.

"BOTH OF YOU ARE MORTAL FOOLS," Thor said to Tony and Natasha, his voice quickly raising again.

"I think I'll join you," said Loki, hastily following Bruce out of the kitchen.

"We are not going to have another fight right now!" Steve yelled over them, slamming a fist on the table, but this failed to gain their attention.

"Yeah!  Why can't we all just be friends?" cried Peter, throwing his arms in the air, accidentally deploying one of his web shooters and getting the web tangled in both Thor's and Natasha's hair.

"Oh _no_..." Steve groaned, sinking back into his seat at the table and burying his head in his hands.  He knew he was the leader and was supposed to keep the group together, but it looked like Peter was already doing a pretty good job of that by tangling them all with his nearly indestructible web.

 _Maybe they can work this out on their own today_ , Steve thought, pushing back from the table and following where Bruce and Loki had gone, leaving the chaos of the kitchen behind him.

Steve heard the sound of glass breaking and raised voices and decided that he really, _really_ didn't want to be involved.


End file.
